Healthy Ways to Express Needs

Say what you need without feeling bad about it.

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship, and I mean any relationship, is to speak up about what you need without second-guessing yourself the whole time.

Sometimes it’s because we were taught that having needs makes us “needy.” Or maybe we were in a relationship where anytime we asked for something, we got ignored, criticized, or made to feel like we were asking for too much. So now, even when it’s simple or honest or reasonable, we hesitate. We shrink. We overthink it. We wait until we’re frustrated, and by the time it finally comes out, it’s more like a reaction than a conversation.

But here’s the truth, having needs doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you human.

And saying what you need doesn’t make you selfish. It just makes you clear.

The real growth comes in learning how to share those needs without shame, without guilt, and without turning it into a test to see if someone really loves you.

Because you don’t have to make a scene just to feel seen.
You don’t have to stuff everything down until you explode.
You don’t have to hint or hope or go silent just to feel heard.

You can just say it.

Here are a few ways I’ve found that help when you’re trying to express a need in a healthy way:

• Be honest, not dramatic. You don’t have to build a whole case to prove your need is valid. “Hey, I’d feel a lot more connected if we could talk for a few minutes before bed,” is enough. You don’t need a whole sermon on how neglected you feel.
• Speak from your heart, not your wound. If you’re scared they’ll get defensive, lead with care. “I’m not trying to start a fight, I just want to feel a little more supported in this.” That’s more likely to be heard than, “You never show up for me.”
• Know the difference between a need and a demand. A need is something you communicate openly and give the other person a chance to meet. A demand is when you expect them to already know or fix it immediately, or else.
• Say what you do want, not just what you don’t. Instead of saying, “I don’t like it when you’re on your phone,” try, “It would mean a lot to me if we could have some device-free time together.”
• Let go of how they receive it. You can’t control someone’s reaction. But you can speak your truth in a way that’s kind, clear, and grounded. After that, it’s up to them.

And here’s something I want you to hold close: If someone truly cares about you, they’ll care about what you need, even if it takes them a minute to get it right. They won’t always know, but they’ll want to learn. And you won’t have to constantly convince them that what matters to you should matter to them.

Start small. Start gently. Start with you. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is say, “This matters to me,” and let that be enough.

You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be understood.
And you don’t have to break down just to be taken seriously.

Pause for a moment and ask yourself:
What’s one need I’ve been silencing that deserves to be voiced with clarity and care?